Today I: Bought a house, had a meltdown, applied for over $1M of loans
God Internet. I'm sick. All the time. Exhausted. So tired I can't function. Can't focus. I developed IBS at the end of last year and half the time I'm in so much pain I can't stand up. I move through my days in a fug, just trying to get from one thing to the next. My back or my shoulder ache constantly. I can't get comfortable. Sleep is just unconsciousness, I never dream. Everything hurts.
My temper is vile. My patience is non-existence. Everything irritates me. I snap and snarl. I hear myself talking to people, I've got this monotone, the words drone out of me. I just wish they'd all leave me alone.
I drop my kids at school at stupid o'clock so I can get to work, and then pick them up so late, and they're so tired. I can't feed them because I'm so tired. I can barely hold a conversation. I have nothing for them. I'm not a mother.
I want to write, I have no energy. I want to socialise, I have no energy. I want to embroider and knit, I have no energy. I want to cook, I have no energy. I want to live... I. Have. No. Energy.
I'm 45. Everything hurts. I need help. I'm screaming for help.
No one ever helps.
If this continues I'm not going to see 50, and I don't really care.
Well fuck that.
I choose to live.
They accepted the offer on the house. I'm going to make a new life and kiss the individual you see above, goodbye.