Day 2: On The Brink

Today I: Bought a house, had a meltdown, applied for over $1M of loans

God Internet.  I'm sick. All the time. Exhausted.  So tired I can't function.  Can't focus.  I developed IBS at the end of last year and half the time I'm in so much pain I can't stand up.  I move through my days in a fug, just trying to get from one thing to the next.  My back or my shoulder ache constantly. I can't get comfortable.  Sleep is just unconsciousness, I never dream.  Everything hurts.

My temper is vile. My patience is non-existence. Everything irritates me.  I snap and snarl.  I hear myself talking to people, I've got this monotone, the words drone out of me.  I just wish they'd all leave me alone.

I drop my kids at school at stupid o'clock so I can get to work, and then pick them up so late, and they're so tired. I can't feed them because I'm so tired.  I can barely hold a conversation.  I have nothing for them. I'm not a mother.

I want to write, I have no energy. I want to socialise, I have no energy. I want to embroider and knit, I have no energy.  I want to cook, I have no energy.  I want to live... I. Have. No. Energy.

I'm 45.  Everything hurts. I need help.  I'm screaming for help.

No one ever helps.

If this continues I'm not going to see 50, and I don't really care.

Well fuck that.


I choose to live.

They accepted the offer on the house.  I'm going to make a new life and kiss the individual you see above, goodbye.