TheBrink

Day 34: What Now?

Today I: tried to convince myself I wasn't getting sick

It is a truth universally acknowledged - ladies and gentlemen of the internet - that a hetero middle aged single woman using a dating app is keen to have relations with the girlfriend of any random fellow whom she happns to pass in the street.

Or so it would seem.

I ask you.  

This scenario - that I ravish said man's girlfriend while he watches or participates - has been suggested to me on a stunningly regular basis.  My standard response is to ask if he would mind returning the favour with some random man I'll dig up for us - and this is usually met with a swift 'not on your nelly.'

Well except for Neil. Who was all 'fuck yeah... I'll book a hotel...'  Ahem... 

But what intrigues me about this oft asked question is WHY these men think female sexuality is so much more fluid than male.  Why is there a general notion that a heterosexual women who has not professed any skerrick of bi-curiousness can just toss away their hetero-ness for the night.  Why is it seen as less of a big deal for us, than for them? 

I personally subscribe to the idea that sexuality is not a black and white thing... the Kinsey scale school of thought... and with numerous boyfriends, 2 husbands and close to 30 years of fuckery under my belt, I'm extremely confident about where I sit on that scale.  This is no match for the horny fellows of the internet though...  they seem to think they know me better AND are dead keen to prove it to me. Bless them.

After my marriage ended, several years ago now, I very much felt that I was done when it came to relationships.  Im happy on my own. I've always been happy on my own. Even as a child I had no desire to marry, never dreamed of a wedding.  Just wanted to do my own thing.  In my twenties doing my own thing led to a lot of slut-shaming.  But now, in my forties, I'd dare anyone to call me a slut... I'd piss myself laughing!!  

My latest foray into a relationship only proved this theory.  I was reluctant to go in, found it immensely challenging to cope with, struggled with the change in dynamic in my life, felt pushed to be something I wasn't, did my best, and crashed and burned spectacularly regardless.  A disaster from start to finish.

So what now?  I've installed an app on my phone... thus far the bug eyed Michael, and the unbuttoned shirted Paul (who just wants a girlfriend... a 'special' one... hmm) have shown an interest.  But really, in all honesty, I could not be bothered.

I don't really know what now.  Guess I'll figure it out as I go along.