TheBrink

Day 30: A Vast Number of Scissors

Today I: found a vast number of scissors

I'm a paper hoarder.  Bills, superannuation statements, bank statements, rates notices... I keep them for years.  Just because you never know when they might come in handy.  But a purge was required.  I cannot be lugging water bills from 2007 down to Wollongong.  Rather to my surprise the recycling bin is now 3/4 full of bits of paper.  That view of my desk is the AFTER view btw.

And, oddly, I found a vast number of scissors.

Yet another skip was delivered today, so this meant it poured with rain without respite. Of course it did!

Looking at all those old bills got me thinking about money and my new life down south.  Working full time and commuting for hours every day has meant that I've been taking every shortcut there is... take-away, no meal plans, buying lunches, several coffees a day, two and sometimes three trips to the supermarket a day, my only focus being getting through the next hurdle with (what I saw as) little energy used as possible.  Because I just had no energy to spare, not even the mental energy to plan ahead.  The decision of what to buy for lunch, or what to cook for dinner, would reduce me to utter inaction and near tears.  I'd go to the supermarket, buy a thing for dinner, forget half the ingredients, or forget snacks for the kids, and have to go back on the way home.  Each trip seemed to cost $30 even when I'd only gone in for one thing.

This level of disorganisation was firstly added stress and secondly bloody expensive.  The worry about money would lead me to the very sensible reaction of not checking my bank account.  Because, in my tired addled mind, if I didn't know how much I had left then I wouldn't be so stressed about it.

After a couple of white knuckle trips through the checkout, where I wasn't sure if I could afford what I'd bought or not, and was in a cold sweat that my card would be rejected, I started to force myself to check my bank account every day.  Invariably it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined.  But I'd still feel sick with anxiety each time I did it. Convinced some forgotten bill or direct debit had come out and I'd be in the poo.

Over the past few weeks I've started to step back from these habits.  I'm being very kind to myself as I recover from the state of mental and physical exhaustion I was in.  So if I dont have the energy to cook, then I dont cook.  A lot of my energy reserves are being used up getting this house ready to go up for sale, and I'm still burnt out.  I'm slowly getting better.  But that brink I was so dangerously close too is still only a few feet away.

My next step will be to assess my financial position down to the last cent (and by that I mean figure out all the remaining bills and expenses I'll have in this house), and then start to really micro-manage the money situation with those amounts in mind.  I'm kind of looking forward to it, actually.  It feels like it'll give me the basis of a structure for the next few months.